Hurricane Conspiracy

Eureka! I know what's been causing the hurricanes!

See, it all goes back to the North Atlantic Penguin. Now, you may say, "but there is no such species." Well, you'd be right, if all you went by was mere scientific records. HOWEVER, the truth is that the North Atlantic Penguin is a devilishly cleaver and intelligent species, which long ago realized the threat Mankind posed to them. Lacking manipulative hands, or size, or even agility on land, they had no choice but to withdraw before the Vikings and other seafaring tribes.

However, they didn't disappear. Instead, they went into hiding, making their communities in caves in Iceland and Greenland that are only accessible via underwater tunnels. They have lived like this for centuries, but they are naturally tired of it.

Enter, the Panzerfisch. Created in 1945 by Nazi Scientists as one of Hitler's "V-weapons," the so-called V-5 "Panzerfisch" was the first instance of genetic engineering in the world. Using the ancient, Precambrian 'armored fish' species as a model, the Germans tweaked the genes of several large freshwater and saltwater fish into a species that can grow iron plates on its skin, and has razor sharp metal teeth. Their purpose was to attack and sink Allied shipping, thus distracting them from the final drive on the Fatherland.

However, the Panzerfisch suffered from a fatal flaw in the design: the fishes' muscles weren't strong enough to support their mass. On the first test run in the Baltic, all one hundred Panzerfisch sunk straight to the bottom. The project was scrapped, and no more was heard of it.

HOWEVER... The North Atlantic Penguins had watched WW II with interest, and even helped to sink either German U-boats or Allied shipping, depending on who was winning at the time. (The goal being to prolong the war and thus wear down humanity even more.) Thus, they found out about the Panzerfisch project. Working quickly, they saved the 'lost' Panzerfisch prototypes. Over the last sixty years, they have been improving the species through selective breeding, with their capture stock and/or wild fish, such as sea bass, to bring their muscle mass up.

Now, after many years, the Penguins are launching their plan. Already, they have captured the minds of many Linux users and made them worship the penguin as a symbolic alternative to God. Now, with their Panzerfisch swarms grown to massive numbers, they are using them to cause hurricanes and global warming.

How, you may ask? Quite simple, and quite evil, as well.

See, the Panzerfisch are, naturally, highly magnetic from all the iron they contain. Now, imagine a massive swarm of these meter-long creatures, numbering in the thousands, and spread over hundreds of miles of ocean water. Using their super-developed muscles, they swim at tremendous speed in patterns designed to interfere with the Earth's geomagnetic field. The reason, of course, is to draw energy from the field, via the Panzerfisch's iron armor plating and angular momentum, converting it to electrical, and then to heat energy. By doing this in key points, they can - and already have - altered weather patterns, producing higher temperatures in key regions, causing a catalyst effect to increase temperatures around the globe.

Now, with the warming beginning, the Penguins and their Panzerfisch servants are on to phase two: wipe out coastal human settlement around the Atlantic basin with wave after wave of massive, catastrophic hurricanes. This will allow them to gain footholds on the continents, while simultaneously distracting the populace, depriving our treasuries, and demoralizing humanity in general.

Already, their power has grown with the increase of the Panzerfisch swarms. The small hurricane that formed near Iberia a little while ago is their testing to see just how far they can push their new weapon against the land of man.

Make no mistake, ladies and gentlemen; we face a real threat. The penguins lack technology and opposable thumbs, but they make up for it in being, individual-to-individual, smarter than us by great leaps and bounds. Already, they prepare for Phase Three: Invasion, by breeding their Panzerfisch to be able to crawl on land for periods of time, and thus support their advancement into areas devastated by repeated hurricanes.

We must act, my friends, if we are to keep this fish-like bird things from overthrowing the rightful reign of our civilization. To Arms! And kill every penguin you see, for he surely wants to kill you!